I'm done, so done, beyond mothering skills. I'm tired and feeling defeated.
uggggghhhhhhhh
i feel i have nothing left to give, i don't want to feed anyone ever again, me included.
i really don't want to put anyone to bed.
i don't want to fight, it's such a struggle.
done
just so done.
Tonight has been the best bedtime so far in these two weeks. It came to me as we came in to the bed room to put him down in his bed and tell him i wasn't leaving and that I would stay with him but be in my own bed. He wasn't thrilled when I first told him but I sat on a stool next to him and we read books and he laid down he seemed to get that this is the way it will be. I was very calm and centered. I think this helped a lot. and we sat near one another and then he was alseep. I have no idea how long I sat there but i enjoyed it. I sat in oesance and I sat and prayed. and I felt so much love and joy.
*******
I feel more settled in to being home, finding routine within our spacious days. Have eaten dinner at the atengard every night this week, phoenix is making some really fun friends over there. I've been gardening every day this week too, that feels so good. I feel I've fond that relaxed self love that disappered upon my return. I feel I'm taking care of myself better now, both physically and mentally. Mostly mentally, I've gotten off my back.
And now I'm going to go to bed cause I'm really tired.
xxxx
everything is fine
nobody is going to die
ana cielo
she made beautiful observation.
massive shifts
i am still blown open
and feeling fully
and feeling
feeling disconnected
feeling the dissapointment in lose of other
'good' feelings
spent today feeling completely depressed
sat in bed for an hour trying to be ok with that
fell asleep for a few hours, roommates took care of phoenix
then it was his bed time and i read him two books and sang him the rain drop song
and ana cielo
was waiting and she listened and saw that i still want to do things
and she saw such massive changes happening
and she sees me as a warrior
as a hero
and now i am tired
TIRED
and I open, I accept and surrender
this is how I feel
this is alright
there is nothing to figure out
there is only waves to float along on
and that is alright and i feel my heart again
i feel my heart again
depression scares me
terrifies me
i want to do anything i can to avoid it
but today is only one day
and things are so huge right now
and i am riding these waves
with grace for myself
i love myself right where I am
my goodness
there is the self love at last, no punishment
nothing 'should' be
it is perfect as it is.
i feel a shimmer a glimmer
i will be fine
this is nothing
now i feel like smiling
like going and finding my man and giving him a kiss with heart in it and
going for a walk
in the rain
i wonder if it's raining
I open my heart to you
and you blow me away everytime
thankful
re patterning ourselves is a challenge. facing those ugly patterns that we are slowly out growing.
I am safe in my body wisdom
I am safe in speaking my truths
I am a good mother trying her best to see the heart of her dear son
to teach and guide him in the ways of the heart
and yet i am only human
with my own downfalls
triggers and difficulties
there are moments when i can't take it any more
there are times when i just don't know the best way to handle a situation
I know I want to move and speak from a place of openess, and love
to me yelling does not come from a place of openess or love
holding my center in the midst of the third meltdown over food in one day
how to respect myself, my boundaries, his heart, his right to freedom and toddler learnings and expression
I am tired, cried for hours tonight, triggered deep
my feelings are heard and taken to heart
dear darla
I am sorry
I forgive myself for not taking my leave sooner
I forgive myself for trying beyond my means
I forgive myself for not believing what my body was so loudly screaming at me
I forgive myself for using my head
I forgive myself for wanting what was in my heart
I forgive myself for loosing my spirit
I forgive myself for loosing connection to Spirit
I forgive myself for creating an ugly habit
I forgive myself for not hearing my body wisdom
I forgive myself for not acting on my body wosdom
I forgive myself for wanting what wasn't healthy for me
I forgive myself for my loyalty
I forgive myself for accepting things the way they were
I forgive myself for feeling weak
I forgive myself for feeling angry
I forgive myself for feeling helpless
I forgive myself for feeling and assuming a state of craziness
I forgive myself for loosing my boundaries
I forgive myself for not believing I could do this without you
I forgive myself
I forgive myself
I forgive myself
I forgive myself for not believing in me
I forgive myself for loosing that light
I forgive myself for for not asking for help
I forgive myself for forgetting
I forgive myself
And yet
"forgiveness is not simply the letting go of resentment, but rather forgiveness is awakening to eternal “vision” and remembering that there is nothing “real” (eternal) to resent.
Metaphysically, there is actually nothing to forgive. Outside of time there was a tiny mad idea that one could be separate from God and thereby lose one’s essential goodness. In reality, one cannot. All creation is a loving and eternal thought of God. Nevertheless, our experience in time is the perception (or misperception) that there has been a separation from God. The effect of that tiny mad idea of separation is analogous to a ripple effect in a pond. The ripples of that first mistaken belief in separation spread out, creating a universe of myriad forms of separation. But God still IS, as always. Outside of time, from God’s eternal reality, came His instant answer to the thought of separation: forgiveness. Within time, this answer must be learned.
Forgiveness is the recognition, the awakening if you will, to the reality that the separation never occurred in God’s eternal reality. Forgiveness removes the blocks to seeing the eternal goodness in, and unity and equality with, one’s brother. Forgiveness removes the fog obscuring the reflection of God within others, which leads to the same sight within ourselves. Ultimately, forgiveness opens the experience that whatever is perceived to have been done in time has had no effect upon eternal oneness. All remain as God created, united in God’s eternal love—and this is God’s will."
I wish you no harm
I revoke all thoughts of anger or resentment against you
I call upon my highest self to hold you in the light of goodness and love
I ask that you may prosper and find peace within yourself
I open
I open and surrender to all that is beyond me
I surrender to that which moves me
I surrender to the flow
I surrender
I open to the love that is within me
I open from the top of my head to the tips of my toes
I open down to my cells
I open and release that which is no longer serving me
I open to accept the love and light and wild blessings of god
I open to the energy I feel rising from the earth, from her core
I open to find love
I open to recieve love
I open
Aho
I trust all is unfolding in divine perfection
thank you for these beautiful opporitunities
in glory
darla
And i only found that out today, or I was introduced to that term.
I was thinking about it and that I feel my initiation to it was through my ex. that through having to face all the deadly shit we created within our marriage and having to be brutally honest with him was where it started. Even though he wasn't in a place to be honest with me and though I couldn't own the power that it took to confront him about some of the things, I still began to retrain myself. it was the first step to rekindling my faith in my body, my intuition and my feelings.
I also don't think I've ever been able to look back into those dark days and been able to say wow darla that was courageous of you. That took some extreme strength. I know I usually look at it as a very diminished time in my life, where I was barely handling any of it, just barely holding on to life itself.
now today I look at myself and can say wow. yeah I totally own those things, I'm totally in tune with them, and respect them. I was listening to a group of women at dinner and one of them used the term radical honesty and I my insides were like, thats me!!! I say things that sometimes people don't want to hear. I say the things that are deep within me, the things that can change a persons life or my life. and sometimes it's really scary for me to say them but I don't think I've ever regretted saying them. For goodness sake I now have an incredble man in my life because (well for one reason anyways) I was so damn open from the get go. We both were, and continue to be, with each other. And it's fantastic!
But now I can see it was absolutely a starting point, and one that I am so grateful for.
And through all the radical honesty I've been practicing lately I think I'm having an easier time here at dance training. Today, twice, I lead myself through some pretty deep places. And put total trust in the tools, used them to guide me within and then out of the feelings and pain. Part way through I realized that I wasn't being assisted by one of the facillitators because I was using the tools to the max, and also that I was so willing to go there, to dive deep, and then deeper. When I alchemized and surfaced we weren't even half way through the class and I sat there for a moment and made the choice to dive back in. I'm here to do this work I might as well take full advantage of the opporitunity to go so deep and be so supported and held. and thats what teh radical honesty has given me, teh courage adn strenth and confidence to face everything as it arises, it makes it ewas
Another phrase I really liked from the dinner table was "I choose to be happy, with you". In regards to her man. and staying andn choosing her love with her man when times get tough, it was so cute. She said I feel like punching you in the face but instead I choose to be happy with you.
being held through it by my sisters. sharing, moving through with love, compassion and forgivness. self forgivness.
dear darla
i love you
i love you
i love you
more later.....
when more coherant
"a falling star fell from your heart
and landed in my eyes"
the sweet the love
facing things as they arise.
many things to absorb
to bring home
to make daily
to come to terms with
and release
"the stars the moon
they have all been blown up."
having fallen in love
yet fallen out of
daily communion
no-it's there just not to the depth
that i know my potential contains
things to do daily to remember to follow through on
breath
open-open through
movment-change
the tools
grounding
asking how can i open more through this
i have gotten SO good at facing to teh edge and beyond everything that arises
have learned not to stuff not to push away, embrace the resistance
the tools are what will save me
in that time of contraction, getting centered JUST enough to ask for help
to raise my eyes above to the vastness outside of myself. to step on the ground.
IT CAN BE SO QUICK
be intntional
get direct
ask for the support
from above
from below
TRUST and remember that it will always be there.
in love and trust
revolution starts within
within love
within trust
My inner life is much more bared then it has ever been while living in abbotsford. And through that I am feeling a more true sense of community, roots growing deeper, thirsting for others who are really alive, has been quenched.
I remember when I left powell river felt I was leaving parts of what completed me behind. and that i would have to find or create them here. It seemed like a big task that i wasn't sure how to go about doing. well this week I woke up and realized those things were now accounted for and more.
Through Jules I am discovering and uncovering parts of myself that I didn't know exsisted. Finding a playfulness that I enjoy so much. Having someone to support you feels amazing. I feel absolutely adored and cherished. I know I have been at work on myself for a long time now. I could see the progress and strength in me, with him around it gives me a drive to stay current and up to date on my things, issues, concerns. I think because I have found such a deep love for myself that I am able to recieve his love so truly and to give it. I feel prayers have been answered within our love, as I finally have someone worthy to share all the love I have in my heart to give.
And i still have no job, I have no money no idea what or how things are going to work themselves out. but i'm not too terribly concerned. I know in my heart i am taken care of, and though there are moments where i freak out, i right myself soon after and find that trust to keep going with the knowledge that everyting is unfolding with divine perfection.
commence rant of suck for day of suck.
i am fucking exhausted. I got fucking fired. Fired for the reason tht i'm sick too often, (too often being a cold for maybe 2 days about a month and a half ago and then a flu last week for two days and then SHE told me not to come in for a third day) and she has to scramble. SRAMBLE!!! WOMEN YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT SCRAMBLE? FUCK YOU! she wanted me to see her side of it, how about seeing my side of it. I'm a fucking single mother who you fired on the spot with no notice no severance pay nothing and you want me to be reasonable. how about you're FUCKING CRAZY AND I'M SCARED SHITLESS. fuck I have rent and bills and a dependant and you think i give a shit if you had to scramble for two days while I was actually ACTUALLY at home throwing my guts up for 48 hours. fuck you. and on top of that I have broken ribs and I am exhausted and i am freaking out and swinging drastically from seeing the benifits of it all to the dark dark depths of depression and despair and my phone is no longer doing anyting at all i can't contact anyone, I have no dark chocolate, I'm on my rag*, i'm pissed off, I may not be able to go see my son because of money and now won't see him for an entire month, it's raining! i'm tired, I was fired for unresonable and unjust reason. i'm tired. i'm cold and i'm tired.
i'm tired, emotionally totally drained. and over whelmed.
thankfully i have good people in my life and that doesn't seem so bad no that i've written in down. it feels bad cause it is what it is and it is wretched because i am so fucking tired. merg.
ec
*that's for you frank
I am going to process all this via machines that weave strings and love and magic into being.
I am going home to take care of myself, to sew my frustrations-to transmute them into beautiful creations. I am going make a change in my life and it starts from within and it starts in my home.
my foundation,
my ability to co-create.
I am in love
and the mysteries are unfolding beautifully, perfectly.
I am present with them, challenged by them and growing from them.
revolution starts within
trust and love
love is light
light is truth
I let the light shine out
and it bounced across the waters
with every breath
love and trust
We each bring such unique peices to the relationship to meet each other, to feel support and team work, is overwhelmingly emotional for me, and incredible. Opening and surrendering to what moves us, big holy shit moments. Acceptance and awe.
I finally have the peice embodied about it being another layer and not me loosing ground. The pain lessens with each experience.
Work.daycare.time with my son.work.daycare.time with my son.work.daycare.time with my son.....this is tearing at me these days. motivating me. something has to change. baby steps. it's only for now. but he's only two for so long and I want to be with him while he's two damnit. extreme motivation, fire in my belly.
tonight is the last class of my kundalini dance practicum series. I am so stoked. man! and in two weeks I get to re-group with all the girls for a weekend dance!! frig, I am so lucky!
life is brilliant. life is intense.
i love it
well now I feel my lifes fire again, and out of it I rise above what is now. I accept how things are at present but just that acceptance alone makes me scream. No I don't accept this. I will not just float along in this construed way, this is not right, I want more. don't stand for less. There is more and my heart feels it deeply. I will not rest. This gives me fire, gives me motive, gives life to visions desire. Attack with sheer divine will. xxxx
A blessing and a curse and I see both sides of it but I shall not stay here, it stirs me to rise, step up further. I will not rest. I shall keep moving toward what I see as possible.
Life moves, life moves me, in ways I cannot ever expect. I shall dance and move with grace, compassion and spirit.
in the sky, there is so much love
in my heart it all resides
and radiates through
bouncing across waters
moving in, more
always-
to my heart
my home
my teachers every where
I miss my dear sister from powell river
I love them from here
Last evening was fantastic. Strange and delerious and wonderful.
Of paticular I reconciled with my brain hormone war, this cycle is so much better, Huzaah for evening primrose and the liver cleanse. It never ceases to amaze me what herbs, dear plants from the earth can do for me. This month I was not a raging at all or even irritable. It's due anyday now and yesterday was the first sign of it's forth coming. I went from feeling totally fine stable and excited about Jules and I to then BAM I'm flat on my back scared out of my mind and my heart wants to hide and and theres no way theres any sanity in this relationship, what was I thinking ect ect....mind looping scatter! head for the hills! CRY! CRY! I vowed to take space from him until the eve when we have plans to attend Dis'o. Overwhlmed, I started writing, pouring out in detail which peices I am afraid of, and my hearts returning to normal, follow that up with a breanna chat and I know I can move through this fear with love at my center, hold strong acknowledge and volia, falling in loves so worth it. I'm at the beans' decompressing, breathing and feeling good.
Jules calls, and I soar, dinner? @ attengard, his whole crew? Absolutely, I love when I face things head on, done and done, instead of showering I tell him all that. and then my ride is calling where are you we're leaving.
Off we go to Abbotsford new massive venue...a stadium. Wierd, just totally weird. You Say Party! We Say Die! Amazing group, not their night to shine though. Becky was brilliant as always, poor Stephens bass was feeding back for three songs straight making us feel we may be having heart palpitations. The crowd didn't get it, I was so anchored in though they didn't faze me as they once might have. Their was so much light pouring through Becky was it brilliant to witness. Danced divine.
Our small group of big heart disperssed quicky after the set. Back down town, feeling over peopled in the Attengard and very sensitive to all the swirling energies. I bailed early, had a appointment with Franklyn at 1 anyways. It was exactly what I needed the long beautiful dark drive through our favorite road in Abby. Stopped in the dark in the silence and shared that. So much love for him, so much ease and connection. The truck was fixed so we went over the mountain on the gravel roads safely doing high speedlimits and grinning like fools. Enter Clayburn Village school hall... it was a wedding. I like cleaning weddings, theres always food left over and teh energy is so pleasent. I said to frankyln last night I'd much rather clean up after a wedding then attend. so we cleaned and sang rediculous songs ("when i was a little bitty baby my mama would rock me in the cradel"! in voices you have never heard!) he tried teaching me chop sticks on the piano, much delirium setting in, it is 3am after all. Downtown again and who is that but Stephen O'shea stumbling up to greet us. I walked him home eventually and had good talks, new talks, ones in which I am not crying at the end. I am in a band now, we will play simple simple quiet songs that will bore people to tears and we will love it. I'm on bass.
5:30 Home in my bed snuggled in with Sullivan, freshly arrived off the boat back in to my happy arms. and then ...beep beep beep. 7:40 comes all to quickly. Now I sit here at work, not much to do awaiting my clients. Some serious sleep is going to happen this afternoon.
And here's my client now.
be well.
Can load your truck or trailer with my tractor. 604-462-7134
big difference.
things are great, I can't stop grinning.
remembering to breath.
oh my lovely.
oh my word.
Especially since I was exhausted in a different way early in the evening, you know when you've been carrying around emotional weight and then it's dealt with the exhaustion and relief that comes with that. and then dancing for about 3 hours and then stayed up beyond what was good. Needless to say I slept on the ferry yesterday. I'm not sure I've ever taken three ferries in one day. But I sure did. didn't get in till after midnight and phoenix did not sleep in, so boo. i am friggin tired.
I want to make tea to wake me up but it feels kinda like it does more draining damage in the long run then good. It's not like I have anything to do today I can and will just wander through today in a bit of a fog. blerg.
I started painting my room though on my late night. purple! like grimace from mcd's.
It's good to be with phoenix again, he is so articulate it's incredible.
I'm really excited to take him to our new house and show him the yard, he's going to love it. I love it! I already feel how I won't feel trapped, he'll be able to be inside sleeping and i'll have a yard to be in. There's something in me that feels so caged when I can't be down on the earth when I need to be.
I finally finished my art project, sewing project. I've been working on it since about november. finished the last of the hand sewing and took it to the new house and put it on the wall in my studio. Man this house is going to be so awesome. and challenging I'm sure. yeah growth.
ugh.
i'm tired.
I feel to make this move not only a physical move but to shift some of my own habits as well. Commit to myself.
Commit to self care.
On all levels.
Listen to your body.
Listen to your higher self.
my eyes say get off the computer.
bye
and I feel alive
and I am remembering
and I am excited for the challenges of co habiting
I am excited to be solid in myself, in my soul
in my words and truths
I miss my sisters.
I miss my sisters.
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